A sappy one for ya..
Almost two years ago, my world was crashing down.
At the time, I had the feeling that my world was falling apart, but I was still trying to find the words. This blog was a great space for me to try and figure things out, but ultimately, it was in my day-to-day experiences that I was piecing everything together.
I spent the last year (and a little change) testing for solid ground. I moved into my own flat, had a few roommates come and go, worked crazy hours while being underpaid, and fell into a bad depression. I also met some incredible people doing all types of inspiring work for social justice, began organizing community spaces in my city, and met the love of my life.
What a weird thing to say at 23 years old. How could I possibly know who the love of my life — my whole life — is?
And then that super sappy answer comes into my head: When you know, you just know.
I met my partner in the midst of the chaos. After getting what I thought was an incredible job, I was attacked by German immigration. It’s a long story that I’m much better at sharing in person, but the short of it is that… as a non-EU member, you are only entitled to certain jobs based on your skill-set and if the employer will vouch for you. Although I had all of this, immigration played games with my application and the information they gave me, and ultimately, I broke my visa permissions to which they criminally charged me.
Unsure whether I would be acquitted or deported, I sat at home, trapped in Germany, disenchanted, sad, and bored. My friends here worked hard to care for me, but it’s never like the friends back home, or, of course, family. I was also dealing with the psychological aftermath of sexual assault, gender dysphoria, and cutting ties with parts of my family. This is a massive simplification of my situation, but I’ve blogged about most of these things y’all.
Anyway, it wasn’t a good time for me.
And then I met my partner.
We met online. Yes, this is the story of a twitter-romance. Or something like it.
When I saw their face, that part of my stomach fluttered in a way it hadn’t since I laid eyes on little curly-cue Mo in the 3rd grade. So I messaged em. Thinking, yeah, so what? I know what I like, I like what I see, and if I’m judged then he’s not for me.
Let me turn that into a poem forREAL.
Well, it turns out it was the beginning of something mind-blowing.
We began talking every night. Random things. Our lives. And then came music. When we started talking about music, the entire relationship shifted. We started sending each other playlists, and between the melodies were the messages we shared. I’m looking for a friend. I’m looking for a bond. I’m looking for a partner.
Have I found you?
Four months later, we finally met in person.
Have you ever had so many unbelievable expectations? Has the reality ever been so far beyond those expectations that you’re suddenly in a realm beyond your imagination?
I don’t want to puff my partner up like this. I mean, yes, I know, and I know well what the effects of monoamines on the brain when falling in love are. It’s why I’ve been so skeptical. It’s why I honestly let niggas come and go without a second blink. I’ve learned that generally it’s a matter of brain chemistry and it’s okay to be upfront about desires and expectations.
And this genuinely went beyond all of that.
We’ve grown so much together in this last year and I’ve never felt more connected to anyone in my life. It’s such a vulnerable, honest, terrifying love because of it’s depth and realness.
On Friday, we are moving into another phase of our relationship. The chapter of long-distance… meeting in cyber space… falling in love with pixels and soundbites.. cheap flights… long weekends.. school breaks… is coming down to its final pages.
In 3 days, we are moving in together.
I went through “excited”. I went through “scared”. I went through “doubt”. And now I’m just ready. We’ve had months to talk and prepare, and I know that in both of our hearts, this is what we both want. I feel like this relationship, overall, has been one of the most consensual experiences I’ve ever had, and it brings tears to my eyes to think about how much healing I’ve undergone in this year together.
I really struggled with my desires, because I know who I am in a racist capitalist patriarchy. I was starting to believe that there really was no place for my ambitions with love, romance, and connection to be realized in this life. I know it may sound overdrawn, but at the end of the day, I’m a loving, passionate, sensitive millennial, and that’s what I’ve felt. And that’s okay.
To find someone who sees these things in me, and respects them and encourages me, has really given me new energy. And I can’t wait to see where it all takes us.
So that’s me..